The day I went into labor, I had written these things regarding my anxieties of having a little one. I wanted to follow up with where I am at and any new anxieties.
1. How much time should Emar take off? He only has about 2 weeks of time off but that would wipe him clean. He has a guys trip to the Ryder cup in Sept with my dad and brother and I want to make sure he can take that time too. Well it worked out perfectly. Emar took off 9 work days so he was home with me almost 2 weeks total. He went back to work last Wednesday which was 1/2 of a week so it wasn't so drastic. Emar's mom came over that day and I was able to go run errands. The next day, we had Brett's 2 week check up and Friday, I had a lactation consultant appointment. Since I had things to do and Emar coming home from work, it wasn't bad at all. He still has plenty of time for the Ryder Cup as he was able to use some Family Sick time (instead of vacation time)since Brett was in the hospital and I was recovering from my episiotomy.
2. Postpartum care and healing- Who is coming to help me? when? With my history of depression, will I just be a nutcase? Kind of nervous being alone for 9 weeks. I mean, there are people who are coming to visit, help, etc but it won't be 100% of the time I am off. I don't want to be a failure as a mother. I had my parents and Sister In Law here the first night home which was nice. With Emar being home for almost 2 weeks, we were able to get into a schedule and it is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes I get a little stir crazy in the house. Depression wise, I am doing pretty good. I think it's more or less the hormones that make me cry over everything and anything. I did go to my therapist yesterday (hadn't been for a month) and it was nice to get things off my chest. My tears are more tears of joy vs sadness. I get sad when things don't go as planned, ie trying to figure out a weekend before I go back to work to go to KC which is not working out. My tears of joy are the amazement of being a mother and can't believe I deserve this little one. Time is going really quick which makes me cry. I know I will be fine going back to work but I just can't imagine leaving this little one. I am sure every mother goes through this. I even had a friend offer to take vacation time to come stay with me during the day. So sweet of her! I am keeping really busy with visitors and errands so I haven't taken her up on her offer yet! I have also had my bff here for a few days.
3. Money- even though we have savings, I hate to dip into it! I am using all 180 vacation hours that I have saved up but it only covers about 50% of my leave time. I know it will be fine, just hate the whole savings thing. We are doing really well here. I don't get out too much so I am not spending much money (ok, I did spend some money today- damn online shopping). Also, I am not driving much so we are saving a lot on gas $$. We also have been eating in a lot more than we used to.
4. Breastfeeding- not going to lie, kind of creeps me out but I have gone to the classes, done my research, talked with my friends and I am going to give it 100%- just don't feel 100% prepared. This is going to be a post on it's own but it is going great. I can't believe it! Don't get me wrong, it did have struggles at first but we have got our rhythm down.
New Anxieties (both have to do with protecting my child) :
5. Driving- Yes, I dread driving with Brett in the car. I recall late in my 2nd trimester (I think around 24 weeks/viability) I had the same fear. I had the fear and images of getting in a wreck. Now, having a child in my car freaks me out. I haven't avoided going places which is a good thing but I still have the anxiety. I spoke to my therapist yesterday regarding this. She told me to say my prayers and to live in the moment. If I am drifting to thinking these horrible thoughts, to take a step back and feel the chair. I know that sounds weird but it works. You think about how the chair feels, textures etc. It really makes you break your train of thought of your worries.
6. SID's- This has to be a fear for all mothers. Brett is sleeping in our room in the pack and play. The best sound in the world is to hear his little breaths, ooo's and grunts. We don't sleep with the TV on anymore so I can hear them. It's like my own lullaby:) To help me with this situation, I ordered the Snuza Halo today. It was recommended by a friend.
I'm glad things are working out for you! So happy for you :). As far as depression I'll be honest it's easier in the beginning.. just wait till they won't sleep and cry for no reason.. it can get stressful and depressing. but of course as mother's you just have to get up and do what you have to do. If you need to chat I'm here! I'm glad breast feeding is working out for you, I wish we all had it that easy! btw my daughter is 4 months and I still think about SIDS.. unfortunately that percentage doesn't drop till they are at least a year old.. But when my daughter was in the hospital for Apnea.. which is would stop breathing while being wide awake.. sleeping.. or eating.. I asked the doctor if we should get that Halo.. and really he said it wasn't worth it because we'd always be worrying.. and it's too sensitive and not worth it.. He said you'd hear if they weren't breathing. Especially if they are sleeping in your room.. when my daughter was not even 2 months we had her sleep in her crib because she got too big for a bassinet.. that and I wanted alone time with the hubby ;) I just had the monitor by her bed and listened for her breaths.. it still crosses my mind.. but I just leave it in God's hands. so happy that you're little boy is doing so well :)
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